Birth of an Internet Hypochondriac

Most days, I’m a completely normal person, and I deal with minor aches and pains like a regular human being. And then every so often, the Google Fever takes over, and then this happens:

I start off with something minor, like a headache. Nothing to be worried about – headaches happen all the time right? I continue with whatever work I’m doing.

A couple of hours pass, and the headache is still here. It’s distracting me from my work, and I’m feeling restless, so to pass the time for 5 minutes, I google my headache.

“It could be your eyesight,” Dr Google informs me.

Well, I am mildly short sighted, but I hate wearing glasses. Dr Google informs me that I might be damaging my eyes. Maybe my eyesight is worsening — I need to book an eye test. Click-click-click — glaucoma.  Oh dear, there’s a history of glaucoma in my family. Click-click — glaucoma causes blindness. Dr Google tells me that once the damage has been done it can’t be fixed. What!? I’m going to go blind?

Click-click — research blindness and ways to cope with it. Click-click. Consider sending Poppy to a seeing eye dog school in anticipation of the days I won’t be able to see. Realise that unless Poppy is a superdog with a super long life, she’s unlikely to still be around by that time. Moment of sadness as I imagine life without our Popmeister General. Click-click — the longest living dog died at 29. I’m cheered at the thought of twenty odd years with the Popnoodle.

I get a hold of myself — “don’t be ridiculous, you’re not going blind and Poppy isn’t dying. Get back to work.” I close out the windows, but wait, there is something I missed, telling me my headache could be due to stress. Well, I’ll click on that quickly – only 5 minutes. I mean, I don’t think I’m stressed, but there’s a test that will tell me for sure. I might as well take it.

Click-click-click.

Oh god! Apparently I am stressed! Maybe stress is getting in the way of my writing. Maybe it’s having other negative impacts on my body — everyone knows that stress is bad for you. Google stress. Click-click-click — nausea. Click-click- bowel cancer.

“Have you been bloated?” asks Dr Google. Well, yes sometimes. “Have you lost weight?” Yes, but I thought that was a good thing. “No, you could have bowel cancer.”

Image from Flickr

Say what now? Anxiety and stress go through the roof (guess that test was right after all). Google bowel cancer. Click-click-click — horrific articles on cancer in general. But what about my headache? Click-click. What if it’s a brain tumour?I did smell burning toast once but no one else could smell it and there was no toaster on. Click-click. A brain aneurism? Click-click-click. Oh my god what if —

Luckily the Hubs calls at this point to say hello. I tell him that although it’s not even 10am, so far I’ve faced my inevitable blindness, signed Poppy up for seeing eye dog school, mourned her death, found out I was possibly chronically stressed, diagnosed myself with bowel cancer, and with a brain tumour, or an aneurism, or possibly both (if this was Grey’s Anatomy, it would definitely be both).

“Or maybe you just need to drink more water and take a paracetamol,” says the Hubs.

Oh yeah, that too. Why doesn’t Dr Google ever start by saying that? Honestly, it always takes you to the most extreme, awful illnesses. We have a little laugh at how ridiculous I was being, and after hanging up the phone, I close down google, get some water and get back to work.

But wait, on my way back from the kitchen, I notice that Poppy hasn’t eaten her food yet. That’s weird, she normally wolfs it down. Maybe I should check with Dr Google, just to be safe….

Click-click-click.

***

Full disclosure, I’m not *quite* that neurotic. I’m mildly more normal (but only mildly) — creative license in the name of telling a story and all that. Dr Google has diagnosed me with a number of serious illnesses, mind you, but thankfully I’m still the picture of health. Unless being a hypochondriac is considered a mental illness. Might have to google that… 😉

How about you, have you ever googled your symptoms? Do you find yourself turning into an internet hypochondriac? Or is it just me?