I have a confession to make. So far I’ve let you all believe that the writing on this blog (and on The Book, though you have not yet had the delight of sampling that particular bit of wordsmithery) is all mine, when it fact, very little of it comes from me.
You see, everything I write is meticulously
torn apart edited by Blue Cat (look at those stern eyes, that disapproving stares as he picks out all my instances of weak writing):Once he has made clear what he wants to change, he is promptly shoved out of the way by Green Cat (who is by far the fatter of the two and therefore the winner of every tussle for Lap Domination). Green Cat then sits on my lap and gives me this “get to work, bitch” look, which continues until I have made all of Blue Cat’s changes and have reached my word count for the day (or until my legs have gone numb from lack of circulation, in which case it’s time for a writing break). Blue Cat, meanwhile, is still hard at work, inspecting the wastebasket for any adverb laden writing I might have tried to hide in there. He does this most days – he is nothing if not thorough, and I am nothing if not grateful when I’ve remembered to empty it before he’s had a chance to investigate. Because adverbs are not what you want strewn across your living room floor – even less so if they’ve been shredded by feline claws. After all the writing is done, Green Cat and I have a quick meeting to discuss Important Writerly Things. He reviews my progress so far and gives me my goals for the following day. This is how he likes to exude authority as CEO (Chief Eating Officer) although I’m not sure he realises that this sitting position does nothing to hide his gut.When his work is done, Blue Cat likes to unwind by hanging out in whatever bag/box/basket he can find. Of late the washing basket and The Husband’s golf bag are favourites (actually the golf bag looks kind of fun to hang out in, doesn’t it?). Anyway, I felt I had to come clean – it didn’t feel right having you all think that I write this blog on my own. The guilt of my deception was eating at me (and the cats were getting shitty from the lack of recognition for all their hard work – which is fair enough).
Blue Cat, by the way, may consider contracting work in exchange for treats. If you’ve ever had any issues with your writing, I’d really recommend him as an editor, he’s done so much for me in just over a year.
Green Cat, on the other hand, only deals with people whose lap he is already familiar with. He’s fussy like that. If he changes his mind, I’ll let you know. There is nothing quite like feeling your legs grow cold and numb from the lack of blood flow to make you work faster.
Happy Friday everyone!